You are aware of that sensation at 2:00 AM when your brain insists on playing something one more time on a dialogue you had 3 years ago? The one in which you are all of a sudden suffering agony because you have written something clumsy or because someone is staring at you in a disapproving manner? It is cumbersome, it is loud, it is as though you are locked in a washing machine that you have created and are being thrown around the same ragged thoughts until you are emotionally battered.
I have sat opposite so many individuals--brilliant, kind, deeply feeling people--who are looking at me with weary eyes and are saying, "I am an overthinker. I can't stop." And in case I am being entirely honest with you, as a psychologist, I have sat in that washing machine as well. I have had my share of such nights when my clinical training was out of my reach, and I was merely a human being in the loop.
Overthinking is a badge of burden that we tend to don on and there is no end-of-life change when it comes to the difference between a mind that is working and a mind that is whirring. And that is the gap between Reflection and Rumination.
I prefer to refer to rumination in my practice as mental chewing. The term is in fact translated to the Latin word ruminare which means how cows chew their cud. They swallow, regurgitate and chew.
We are not getting anything when we ruminate. We are merely re-chewing the same bitter stuff never yet digesting it. It's a closed loop. It's "Why did I say that?" and then the "I'm so stupid" and coming back to I bet they hate me now.
Rumination is saturated with problems and past-oriented. It is like observing the flames to put out the fire and explain how the fire is hot. You are active, you are fatigued, but you have not taken the hose.
On the contrary, reflection is an entirely different beast. It has an exit ramp.
I am looking back at my experience in an attitude of inquisitive detachment. I am standing in the laundry room looking through the glass instead of being in the washing machine. I am asking, what was happening to me at the time. or from what I felt what I can learn?
The reflection is prospective and curiosity of solution. It does not neglect the pain but makes the pain tell us what it is attempting to tell us. Reflecting is akin to breathing profoundly; rumination is retention until pain sets in on your chest.
And now we can see how it is practical in life. Suppose you are at a dinner-party. You tell a joke, and... silence. Crickets. It is that hot sting of shame that you feel going up your neck.
You now repeat the silence on the way home. You imagine what your friend would have looked like. You work out that you no longer have your edge. You are wondering whether folks just ask you out because they are feeling sorry. Before you even reach the pillow, you are persuaded that you are socially inept, and you cancel your future plans to have brunch on Sunday. You are tired, and you have done nothing but know how to treat yourself badly.
You can feel the sting--because it is a sting--but then you ask yourself, Why did that go on so much? You see you were fatigued and making a little too much effort to be liked. You reason, "Well, that was no fine joke I made, but a poor joke does not make me up as a friend. You make a resolution that you will only listen to next time but not play. But you are a little embarrassed and you are ready.
See the difference? It is a blind street in one, an opening in the other.
We all tend to be stuck in rumination because it seems to be a job. It is as though we could just contemplate the issue long enough, and we will somehow ultimately solve it. We confuse the force of our thinking with the excellence of our ideas.
But here the clinical fact is that Rumination is a thief. It has a strong connection with anxiety and depression since it holds us to one of reality that is filtered through our worst fears. Whenever we ruminate, we are not really approaching the world, we are approaching our images of the world.
It is somewhat like trying to find your way in a new city on the map of another city. You are studying the map so hard yet you will still be lost and frustrated. (And most likely, must have a snack. Everything is more unpleasant when we are hungry, right?
In case you are reading this and wondering, Oh no, I am a world-class ruminator, please have a breath. It's okay. It is actually your brain protecting you.
Rumination most of the time is an effort to have control of something that is perceived to be beyond control. When only we can figure out what made someone hurt us, or what exactly we did wrong, it is possible that we can avoid the same situation. It is a survival drive that has just got out of control.
No shame in having the brain that would like to keep you safe. It is not about not thinking but about beginning to think with yourself; not to yourself.
In case you end up twirling, this is a little useful and handy toolkit to ensure that you locate the escape door.
When you find yourself watching a videotape in your mind (or, more to the point, hearing it) the tenth time, identify it. Pronounce it: I am ruminating now. The naming of the beast is immense power. It ceases to be the truth and becomes a process.
Whenever you think about something and you've spend two minutes, and you have not thought of a single next step to take or even a new way of thinking, you are ruminating. This is where you have to literally alter your surroundings. Get on your feet, take a drink of water or play with the dog. Break the circuit.
Shift from "Why" to "How" or "What"
Questions of why (Why am I like this? What the hell made them do that? tends to result in a dark cellar.
How am I feeling in my body now?
How do I take care of myself within the next ten minutes?
What can I learn out of this, that is such a small thing?
This is preposterous, yet it is effective. Address your brain, I listen to you, and we can obsess over this at 5:00 PM, fifteen minutes. At 5:15 PM, the worry window will be closed. It also allows your mind to relax during the remaining part of the day.
Take a second right now. Or put your hand on your heart, and tell me whether that is safe, or put your feet on the floor. Question yourself these questions--not to judge oneself, but to look in her:
Is it a bridge that I build with my thinking now, or have I gone round a drain?
Would my friend still wish me to be his/her friend should I speak to him like I am thinking about myself at present?
What is it that I am actually in control in this situation?
You are not your thoughts. Space is the place where your thoughts take place.
Your mental muscles of reflection may be somewhat strained, in case you have been cogitating over the years. That's okay. We do not go to the gym once and hope to lose 100 pounds; we do not meditate once and hope to have a calm mind.
This is not aimed at having a very smooth internal terrain. It is aimed at becoming the kind of individual who can sit at the center of the mess and declare, this is tough and I am alright. you have a home, not a court to think in. You need to be able to look at your errors and find lessons in them and not life sentences. To-day, simply to be a little bolder and a little less confident, attempt to be a little more curious. The exit ramp is not far as you believe.
Do you want me to assist you in formulating some specific "What" questions depending on a situation that you are presently overthinking?
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